“Can we confirm you have been involved in a car accident”
That’s the opening line when you answer these honest looking numbers like 0202 0034 063, the number I received my cold call on. It’s from a blue printer, someone who just says that same line over and over to different numbers they have on record. It all adds to the illusion that you are on the line to a large call-center from a legitimate company.
They don’t seem to have much more data than your name but they’ll proceed to harvest all your information by liaising with yourself on the premise of getting you a nice amount of compensation.
You’ve got a surprising amount of options at this point.
- be polite and hang up
- just hang up
- be rude and hang up
- play along with an elaborate story then hang up
- play along with a believable story
- play along with an elaborate story then abuse them, they hang up
I went with the last option, but I went gentle on them. I’ve gone full on monstrous previously and while I got my kicks I wanted to see if I could really drag the call out this time.
Your mission – defer and destroy
It’s super important if you decide not to just hang up that you keep these low lives on the phone for as long as possible. The longer they are on the phone with you the less time they’re on the phone with someone more vulnerable.
There’s also an element of punishment I feel obliged to dish out. As a child when I misbehaved I would be punished to make me think twice about doing that same thing again. So once the rouse is up I try and throw in as much abuse akin to a slap in the face in order to make their job so unpleasant they really have to consider an alternative.
I’m assuming these folks are based in India from their accents alone. They are consistently speaking with an Indian accent. Do I have empathy for why they take these jobs? No. To tolerate it that will lead to the acceptance of it and I do not. I refuse to believe there are not ways to live an honest life without having to take advantage of others no matter how disadvantaged you are yourself. Assuming that is the case at all, India isn’t some sess pit it’s a huge state with nuclear weapons, huge technology industries and bustling cities.
Things you’ll need
To effectively defer the inevitable you’ll need some fake data. It turns out these folks know literally nothing. They aren’t cross-checking your data and so as long as your data is valid you’ll get through.
- pick a number plate of someone who parks badly on your street
- pick a name of a kid at school you hated
- use an address of an idiot neighbour
- set up a junk e-mail address (you should have one already)
Make it believable
Don’t go so far that the smell bullshit, forget the date it happened, be ‘honest’ even though your not. I even managed to get the guy to stay on hold for a few minutes while I trawled facebook for the uninsured driver snapped on our local facebook group. All the while he wasn’t speaking to other people.
Have a little ramble, talk about how you were picking up the kids etc, don’t worry if the story doesn’t fit perfectly they’re not listening to you anyway.
Signing the documents
They then e-mailed me asking to sign a consent document. I obliged, here it is:
Honestly, at this point, I thought the call would shortly come to an end and I would engage the destroy phase of my plan. But they didn’t check the signature, yet. Instead, I was told I would be contacted by a third person later to go through the details.
I managed to waste 16 minutes and 50 seconds of this guys time.
The 3rd gentleman called me back and proceeded as planned, still, it would seem without seeing the giveaway signature. Until finally he questioned the signature and the rouse was up.
What I found interesting is the call continued for a short time longer, playing the innocent card of why me? At this point, I was ramping up the hate but got thrown off my own game plan by the reaction. But by the time I had formulated my next step the phone line was dead, 2 minutes and 44 seconds.
I’d never got through to the third guy before so I was unprepared for what to expect, but I certainly think I can improve on my time next time.
Where I draw the line
I don’t. Actually, I extend it from my normal position. I use vocabulary not in my toolbelt. I’m not here to be fair or just I’m trying to make their life hell. Maybe then they would stop what they are doing.
I’m told, these people are just trying to make a living
They don’t know what they are doing is wrong they
But for me, it ultimately boils down to the fact they do know what they are doing and who they are targeting and just because they may or may not come from a disadvantaged background doesn’t give them the license to take advantage of those who are vulnerable and disadvantaged.